Hi, friends:
So my book launched on Monday! That was fun, and I’m really enjoying connecting with readers now. One thing I’m getting asked a lot is to share my best advice on how to have a happy marriage.
As I mention in the book’s introduction (and will say forevermore), I’m not a marriage expert. But I did talk to a lot of couples about what they do in their relationships that make them happy, so I can tell you what I learned from them.
Of several great takeaways from the book, there’s one that really took me by surprise.
If I were to ask you what the most fundamental, bedrock ingredient must be present to make a happy marriage, what would you say?
It’s money.
Ha! Just kidding.
It’s dogs. Like in the picture.
No, that’s not it either, though I do think dogs help.
The answer we’re supposed to give, of course, is love.
All you need is love, says the song.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
“Lead with love” is one of my favorite reminders at work, home, play, and everywhere.
I’m down with love, and I get it. But that’s not it.
It’s “like.”
Now grammatically this is a tricky one, but you get the point. There’s love and there’s like. And what so many of the happy couples have in common is being “in like.”
Liking each other is underrated in typical conversations about marriage. It’s not something we talk about very much. And it’s so simple that you could almost miss how profound it is, but think about it: you can love someone without liking them.
At the risk of giving you a holiday flashback, perhaps you have an extended family member who fits this bill. You tolerate them because somewhere in your heart you want to, or you can’t bear not to. But truth be told, you don’t enjoy their company. You actually dread being around them.
And if they can’t make it over at the last minute for turkey dinner, you secretly do a little jig—which initially makes you feel a twinge of guilt but is quickly overtaken by joy.
Now imagine what it would it be like if you didn’t like your spouse or partner. Sure, you could stay married, but you wouldn’t be doing many happy dances.
The couples I interviewed both love and like each other. Here’s what one of them said:
Love can be an obligation, and I feel like the word gets overused. What makes our relationship work is that I just really like my wife.
And another:
Love is a pretty heavy thing, and sometimes it’s too heavy. I think that finding what you like to do with each other, what you like to talk about, what you like to have happen in the house on a regular basis, what you like to have for dinner, sometimes those things go a lot further than focusing on what it means to be in love. When liking each other is figured out, it makes a lot of room for love to happen naturally.
Some of them describe being “in like” as friendship:
Anything wonderful or horrible that happens, the first person I have to talk to is my husband. The lust and the sex and the kids in between are all important. But at the end of the day, friendship is what makes the marriage work.
How much “like” is present in your relationship? And if it’s gone missing, then how do you get it back? Here’s what one happy husband said:
Never underestimate the value of a good time. Sometimes you get out of sync with your partner, so for me, when that happens, the best thing is usually to get out of the house and have fun together. That’s what got you together in the first place, after all. This isn’t to say that we avoid the hard talks or issues, but having fun with my wife reminds me that I like her and that I love her. When you feel that again, then it’s easier to deal with the hard stuff.
What are your experiences with like versus love? Do you agree that liking each other is a necessary ingredient in your happy marriage? And how have you recaptured the fun when your relationship got a little rocky?
Let me know your answers in the Comments section below–and while you’re at it, share a tip you’ve learned about keeping “the like” alive.
We all have wisdom. What’s yours?
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